Some Mad Hope
by reckless-deception
Summary: [Based on the leaked 5x03 Spoilers] - Considering she was only a casual bystander at Fight-Night and didn't have a single punch thrown her way, it feels ironically a lot like she's battled through several, gruelling rounds.


**Title: **Some Mad Hope**  
Pairing: **Gail Peck/Holly Stewart**  
Rating: **T**  
Word Count: **7k+**  
Disclaimer: **None of the Rookie Blue characters belong to me; I'm just borrowing them for a bit.  
**A/N:** Thanks as always to my two lovely betas.**  
Summary: **[Based on the leaked 5x03 Spoilers] - _Considering she was only a casual bystander at Fight-Night and didn't have a single punch thrown her way, it feels ironically a lot like she's battled through several, gruelling rounds._

* * *

"_Have enough courage to trust love one more time. And always one more time." – _Maya Angelou.

* * *

Gail picks absently at the label on her beer bottle as she watches people begin to depart from the warehouse, their voices filling her ears with animated chatter about the eventful fight they've just witnessed. Coming to Fight-Night and surrounding herself in the excited bustle of the crowd, and watching Nick and the other rookie from 27 division having it out in the boxing-ring had been a much needed distraction.

It had felt good to have something other than her own tormenting thoughts whirring around inside her head for a little while after what she'd overheard. Her loud cheering along with Traci, Dov and Chloe and downing of several more drinks had helped her momentarily forget about the uncomfortable ache that had settled deep in her chest. But now that she's alone again, she can feel her heart pinching unrelentingly, a reminder of the unexpected hurt that had rushed over her only an hour earlier.

She pulls her phone out from her jacket pocket and lets out a heavy breath when she sees the amount of missed calls and unanswered texts she has, but something about the blasé way Holly and her friend had been discussing her makes her stubbornness flare up fiercely, and even though she can feel her heart longing for Holly to soothe away her hurt and make things right between them again, her head refuses to give in so easily. She thinks she's entitled to be a little pissed off and upset about what was said.

The sound of footsteps draws her eyes up from her phone and she sees Oliver approaching her with a cautious smile. He takes a seat next to her on the edge of the boxing-ring and sits with her in silence for a few moments, waiting to see if she'll talk first, and when she doesn't, Oliver awkwardly clears his throat in a way that Gail knows he's about to say something that crosses over into personal rather than professional.

"You should call your girl, Peck..." he begins when she flicks her eyes to his, nodding his head at her phone clutched tightly in her hand. "...fix whatever is going on between you."

Gail averts her gaze and lets out a resigned sigh as she stuffs her phone back into her pocket, out of sight and hopefully out of mind. "I'm not sure there's anything _to _fix, Oliver," she says morosely, the deep ache in her chest making her voice catch a little over the words.

"Why would you think that, darlin'?" Oliver asks softly, looking at her with disbelief, his eyebrows furrowed together and his forehead creasing with concern.

She shrugs tiredly and darts her tongue out to moisten her lips, her stomach twisting into an unpleasant knot as she easily recalls the words spoken between Holly and Lisa. Oliver waits patiently for her and when he refuses to stop staring at her with his sweet, kind, parental eyes, Gail feels the answer bubbling free from her mouth before she can over-think it any more.

"Because I met her oldest and closest friends tonight," Gail breathes out, holding Oliver's gaze helplessly. "I thought things were going well, you know? They seemed nice enough and we were all swapping stories. I was actually enjoying myself."

Oliver nods along with what she's saying, taking it all in. "So what happened?"

"I went to the washroom while they ordered in another round, and when I came out I overheard Holly and her friend talking about me," she explains, her mouth twitching up into a humourless smile. "Her friend basically said that Holly was out of my league because I'm _just_ a beat-cop, and so it's a good thing I'm such a simple and uncomplicated soul because we're not going to last anyway."

"And Holly..." Oliver replies, not missing the way the last part of her answer was dripping with disdain. "...what did she say?"

Gail lets out a wry, breathy, little laugh and holds her hands out as if it should be obvious. "She said not to worry about it because she's having _fun_," Gail emphasises sourly, not sure why she feels so surprised by her disappointment.

It feels like she should have seen this coming all along. She's always the girl people just have fun with, never the girl people think about settling down with and taking home to meet the parents. She's not really ideal 'girlfriend' material as Nick had once so eloquently put it.

"Not to be unsympathetic to your plight here, Peck, but what's wrong with that? Fun is good, isn't it? Fun has always been a positive thing in my book," Oliver says slowly, letting his eyes dance around her face.

Gail bites hard on her bottom lip, ignoring the way her eyes prickle a little and shakes her head sadly. "Not if that's all that we are, Oliver," she murmurs quietly, feeling the hurt rolling over her in waves again.

"Did you ask her?" Oliver follows up, making Gail's eyebrows knit together in confusion.

"Ask her what?" she returns grumpily, reaching up in frustration to rub angrily at her teary eyes, hating herself for feeling so bowed over by the whole thing.

Oliver smiles gently at her and pats her knee softly. "If that's _all_ that you are."

Gail shakes her head in response, remembering the way Holly had called after her, trying to get her to stop from leaving, and the way she'd clenched her jaw resolutely and kept on walking out of the bar, ignoring the pleading tone of Holly's voice that had followed her out into the cold night air.

"No. I just..." she trails off as her mouth opens and closes wordlessly while she struggles to answer. Oliver smiles softly at her, his eyes knowing, and it makes Gail release another heavy breath. "It seemed pretty clear to me, Oliver, so what would be the point in asking. Leaving seemed like the best thing I could do for both of us at that point."

Her phone vibrates noisily in her pocket and Oliver looks at her expectantly, waiting for her to answer it. Instead Gail makes a show of pulling it out from her jacket and showing him Holly's number flashing up on her screen before she petulantly presses the decline button.

Oliver shakes his head disapprovingly but smiles empathetically at her nonetheless. "Darlin', I'm going to give you some advice here, and I know that right now you don't want to hear it, but I'm going to give it to you anyway so that you can tuck it away in your back pocket for later use," he says, narrowing his eyes mockingly at her when she simply scowls back at him in irritation. "Context is essential, Peck."

"Oliver-" Gail groans warningly, only to be quickly cut off.

"Look, all I'm saying here is that I've seen you smile more these past few weeks since you've been with her than I have the entire time that I've known you, which leads me to the conclusion that she makes you happy," Oliver continues, and Gail averts her gaze as she feels her heart clench at the truth of his words. "And if she makes you happy then you shouldn't just give up so easily because you've hit a bump in the road. Talk to Holly, Gail. Ask her outright what you and your relationship means to her, and tell her what it means to you. At least then you'll know for sure, and then you'll know what your next move should be." He pats her knee gently again and ducks his head to seek out her eyes. "Years of experience have taught me not to just make assumptions, because normally when we overhear something we've missed parts of it and that means we don't have the whole picture. So just do yourself a favour, Gail, get the whole picture before you throw away something that makes you happy and could potentially be incredible, okay?"

Gail nods her head in response and blinks away the sting in her eyes, sniffling a little as she tries to keep herself from succumbing to her emotions. "When did we start bonding so much, Oliver?" she asks instead, desperate to change the subject and offering him a small, grateful smile.

Oliver gives her knee a final, comforting squeeze and smiles back at her as he lets her move the conversation on. "I think it was around the time we started getting shot at?" he replies, shaking his head when Gail winces a little, the topic of the Ford shootings still feeling a little too fresh to joke about. "Or maybe it was just before that, when I was... how did you so delightfully put it?" he pauses briefly, and raises his eyebrow at her until she lets out an amused breath. "Oh yeah, I remember now; _walked the halls like I hadn't bathed in weeks and smelled like canned meet_. And you, my friend, walked the halls with your trademark permanent scowl, and sadness lingering just beyond the surface of those pretty blue eyes of yours."

"I did _not_," Gail retorts, trying to glare at him but failing miserably as she breaks into a laugh.

Oliver grins cheekily at her and pushes himself to his feet just as the sound of her phone vibrating echoes around the empty warehouse again. "Just promise me that you'll at least think about what I said?" he says as he watches her pull her phone from her pocket and stare at it until the call eventually stops.

Gail lifts her eyes to his and nods her head reluctantly. "I'll think about it, I promise."

"Good," he retorts easily, holding his arm out for Gail to take once she's put her phone away. "Now let's hurry up and get out of here, Peck, because this big, old, empty warehouse is starting to creep me out a little... looks like something out of one of those damn, gory horror movies your generation likes so much where everybody gets dramatically slaughtered."

"Okay, okay, keep your hair on, Grandpa, I'm coming already," Gail retorts playfully as she rolls her eyes at him and hops down from the boxing-ring, slipping her arm through his and leaning into him slightly as she lets him lead them towards the exit.

* * *

What Gail doesn't expect as they lock up and step outside in the dark, crisp night air, is to see Holly sitting on the hood of her car, shivering slightly and pulling her coat tighter around herself as a gust of wind ripples across the near empty parking-lot.

It only takes a second for her eyes to find Gail's, and when they do it makes Gail stumble to a stop, her stomach twisting anxiously even as her heart yearns to just cross the space between them and wrap Holly warmly up in her arms.

She curls her fingernails into her palms, fighting hard to resist her urge and maintain her right to be angry for a little while longer, but then Oliver is withdrawing his arm from hers and gently shoving at her shoulder.

"Go," he instructs firmly, staring at her pointedly and shoving her a little harder when she remains rooted to the spot. "Peck, go and talk to your girl. That's an order."

Gail glares back at him as he lifts his hand to wave at Holly, and then feels her feet shuffle forward when he nudges her again, her body following an automatic path towards Holly as if she couldn't possibly choose to walk any other way even if she truly wanted to.

She hears Holly inhale sharply as she comes to stop a few steps away from her, and as she dares to flick her gaze up to meet Holly's own, she can see the regret already etched clearly across Holly's face. Neither of them can seem to find their voices though, and it makes Gail's body thrum with the desire to run as they lapse into a painfully, tense silence. She doesn't remember ever feeling this awkward or uncomfortable around Holly before and it's a thought that forces Gail to drop her gaze to the ground, her eyes stinging, and her lungs tightening and burning painfully with the exertion of struggling not to burst into involuntary tears.

"I'm not very good at this..." Holly begins quietly, being brave enough to be the one who finally dares to speak up first, and even though Gail knows she should just let Holly apologise she can't seem to contain the surge of hurt that rises up in her chest as her eyes once again fixate on Holly's face.

"What stalking your _lowly_ beat-cop girlfriend? Because for a member of society's elite you seem to be doing a pretty fine job of it, _Doctor_," Gail lashes out snottily, watching as a flash of hurt ripples in Holly's usually bright eyes.

The moment the words leave Gail's mouth she wants to take them back. She feels a wave of nausea roll through her stomach and she has to look away from Holly's eyes again, disgusted with herself for always resorting to being so defensive and petty. It's like she can't help herself though; her default setting automatically kicking in and going straight into attack mode whenever she feels especially vulnerable. She's never felt more exposed and wounded than she does right now, and she knows from the way Holly recoiled slightly and lowered her head shamefully at her verbal assault that she feels exactly the same way.

Holly lets out a long, shaky breath and bravely lifts her gaze to Gail's again, her eyes desperately pleading. "I'm not a perfect person..." Holly begins again cautiously when Gail's eyes finally flicker back up, almost as if she expects Gail to cut her off with another biting remark. When she doesn't, Holly squares her shoulders, her face washing over in determination as she adds, "...and I don't have a perfect dating history."

Gail feels her heart plummet at the admission and shakes her head in defeat, her body suddenly feeling unbearably tired and heavy. "Look, it's okay, Holly, I get it. We fell together at a chaotic time and had some fun, it's cool, really," she replies, trying to keep her voice from breaking. "We don't need to talk about it."

"No, we do," Holly responds without missing a beat. "Because you don't get it at all, Gail. If you don't want to talk, that's fine, I'm not asking you to. I'm just asking you to listen. So please hear me out, and then I'll leave you alone and go, okay?"

Gail swallows away the lump in her throat at Holly's unexpected burst of resoluteness, her eyes refusing to let Gail look away as she waits for Gail to give her the permission to continue. "Okay," Gail breathes out in response, a shiver prickling down her spine as Holly's face softens in relief, her eyes eternally thankful.

"We tell each other stuff, right?" Holly starts nervously, reaching up to push her glasses further up the bridge of her nose. "I mean you've told me about what happened with Nick and you've even mentioned dating Chris, but it occurred to me earlier as you left the bar that we've never really talked about my previous relationships."

Gail opens her mouth to object and closes it almost instantly when she realises that Holly's right. They've shared a lot during their time as friends – what happened with Perrick and Jerry, her mother being overbearing, their childhoods, and Holly's grandfather's death being the reason why she went into pathology – but as she thinks back over their many conversations, Gail realises that despite Holly being a positively warm and open person, she's been usually guarded about her own relationships.

Hell, she didn't even know about Rachel and Lisa until Holly had asked her to meet them a few nights ago while they were snuggled up on the couch watching old FRIENDS reruns.

"Yeah, I guess we haven't," she replies, letting her eyes trace slowly over Holly's face, trying to get a read on the subtle emotions passing through her dark eyes.

Gail watches as Holly sucks her bottom lip into her mouth briefly and then releases it with a shaky exhale as she takes a moment to steady herself. It makes Gail swallow thickly and clench her jaw, pre-emptively readying herself to be hit with whatever is about to come tumbling out of Holly's mouth.

"During my first year of medical school I met somebody one weekend while I was studying at the city library," Holly says apprehensively, and Gail instantly sees the way Holly's strong and confident posture becomes withered, almost as if the memory is so excruciating that it's forcing Holly to withdraw into herself. "Her name was Scarlett and we dated for four years. We lived together, we had a joint bank account, hell we even adopted a dog together called Patch. We were happy... or at least I thought we were," Holly manages to choke out, her voice thick with emotion and crackling over the words.

It makes Gail's heart twist unpleasantly in her chest as she watches Holly's eyes brim with tears that she quickly and unsuccessfully tries to blink away.

"I thought my life was set, Gail," Holly whispers brokenly, her eyes intense as they stay helplessly glued to Gail's. "And then one evening after a gruelling fourteen-hour shift, I get home to find her sitting at our kitchen table with a suitcase and our dog packed up at her side, and she's telling me that our relationship is over and that she's leaving me."

Gail feels herself take a step closer to Holly instinctively, her hands itching with the desire to reach out and comfort her. "What happened?" Gail asks softly, wanting to understand but not wanting to force Holly to share anything that she doesn't want to, especially something that seems to be causing Holly so much pain. "Was she- I mean did she... meet somebody else or...?"

"No," Holly breathes out with a sad, wry laugh, her eyes glimmering with unbridled hurt. "She just... she fell out of love with me."

She takes a second then to shrug dejectedly at Gail, her head cocking to the side as she attempts a feeble smile, and Gail finds herself unable to do anything but stare back apologetically, her heart pinching achingly with empathy.

"I know that I was working long hours but I didn't realise that she felt like we'd drifted so far apart," Holly continues shakily. "I mean I was still _right_ there; I was just as in love with her as I'd always been but she... she wasn't. She'd fallen out of love with me and I'd _missed_ it..." Gail watches as Holly lowers her gaze, shaking her head as if to reprimand herself, the blame still evident on Holly's face when she lifts her eyes back up to Gail's and adds, "And then she just walked out of my life without giving me a chance to make things right. She didn't look back for a single second and it devastated me, Gail. I felt like my whole world had suddenly crumbled down at my feet and I had no idea what I was supposed to do next."

Gail takes another step closer, her hand reflexively reaching out to rub soothingly at the side of Holly's leg. The unexpected forwardness of Gail's touch makes Holly shudder, and Gail feels herself reluctantly drawing her hand back when she realises what she's done, not wanting to let herself get swept away again if this thing she has with Holly is about to fall apart.

Holly purses her mouth into a tight line as Gail steps back again, and it makes Gail feel guilty for not being able to offer Holly more in this instance. "I'm sorry," she settles on saying instead, hoping Holly will read between the lines.

"Look, I know you must think that I'm trying to play the sympathy card here, but I promise that's not my intention," Holly murmurs, and the sincerity in her eyes makes Gail nod in understanding. "I just... I feel like after what you heard earlier, that you deserve to know me better."

Gail nods her head again and darts her tongue out to try and decrease the dryness in her mouth. "Keep going," she encourages, desperately needing to hear Holly's whole story in the vain hope that it will help her understand the missing pieces to the conversation she overheard between Holly and Lisa.

Holly swallows thickly then, and reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ears as she takes a second to gather herself enough to continue.

"After she left me I did the usual thing people do after a bad breakup; I threw myself into my work, I covered extra shifts, attended conferences that I didn't really have any interest in, and spent any time that I wasn't at work writing articles for publication," Holly explains honestly. "After about a year or so, Rachel and Lisa got tired of me hiding away in the morgue and moping around, so they set me up on some dates to try and help me get back out there, you know?"

Gail nods, knowing the numb, unworthy feeling of hiding away that Holly is describing all too well. "I do."

Holly presses her mouth together in a small, grateful smile of acknowledgement. "They set me up with some of their friends, and it was all dinner and drinks and talking to beautiful women, but even though my heart was slowly starting to heal I couldn't seem to let any of the set-ups go past a couple of dates. The idea of committing myself to somebody again..." Holly continues slowly, her brow furrowing tightly and her eyes narrowing as her internal-conflict plays out openly across her face. "...of giving _all _of myself to somebody else who might just stop loving me out of the blue one day, scares the hell out of me."

She pauses then, holding Gail's gaze momentarily before lowering her eyes, almost as if she can't handle looking at Gail when she confesses, "So I admit it, I played the field a little, kept things casual. And I admit that a few of the dates I had did end with me waking up in another woman's bed and then leaving with the empty promise of calling again." Holly lifts her eyes back up to Gail's when she hears Gail's inhale sharply, and Gail can see the shame and regret plaguing Holly's eyes as she bares her soul for Gail to see. "Lisa was giving me a hard time tonight because she knows I have a pattern of going after simple and uncomplicated connections because I'm scared of really putting myself out there again, and she's grown sick of it over the years. I know she's a bit of a snob, but despite what you may think of her, she likes you, Gail, and she doesn't want to see you fall victim to my bullshit."

Gail stares back at her for a long moment, letting what Holly's just told her start to soak in as her mind urgently tries to process it all as quickly as possible.

"And is that all that I am to you?" she asks quietly, finding her voice as she peers intently into Holly's eyes. "Just some simple and uncomplicated fun to help pass the time until your next, more challenging conquest comes along?"

Holly's face screws up in disbelief at the question, her head shaking instantly in refute. "This thing between us has been going on for months, Gail, and I'm still here, so what do you think?"

"We might have been friends for months, Holly, but we've only been 'dating'..." she retorts, lifting her hands up to make air quotes around the word, no longer sure if that's what they have been doing or not. "...for a few weeks, so you tell me, because I'm not sure I know any more."

She watches as Holly's shoulders drop down even further, her eyes glassy and her face etched over with a deep sadness that Gail can feel vibrating across the short distance between them. The unrelenting ache in her heart throbs increasingly as she Holly gazes at her longingly, and she feels herself struggling not to just let this whole mess go and fall into Holly's arms.

"I came to the station to see if you were okay because the thought of a crazed gunman shooting at you made me so sick to my stomach with worry that I _couldn't_ stand it," Holly says, her voice so unbearably soft and sincere that it makes a familiar shiver tingle down Gail's spine. "I came to the hospital and held your hand for hours while we waited to hear about your friends, even though things between us were confusing, because I _needed_ to see you and make sure you were okay with my own eyes. And I took you home and helped you cut your hair off because I knew that's what _you_ needed me to do, and I was _so_ desperately willing to do whatever I could to try and ease your pain a little." She holds Gail's eyes intently for a beat, imploring Gail to understand the meaning behind her words, and then whispers, "I've never wanted or needed to just hold somebody so much in my entire life, Gail."

The utter honestly of Holly's admission makes Gail's breath catch, her heart lodging in her throat as she feels her mind whirring, desperately trying to process what Holly's saying to her. Holly smiles warmly at her a second later when she hears Gail release a ragged breath, the full weight of Holly's confession starting to wash over her.

"I let you sleep on the left even though that's the side I've always slept on," Holly murmurs, her eyes twinkling with such genuine affection that it makes Gail's eyes sting with unexpected tears. "You have your own toothbrush and drawer at my house, and I let you steal my favourite big, snugly sweater because you said you liked how it always smelled of me, and tonight I introduced you to my oldest and closest friends. So do you honestly think I would do any of that if you were_ just _some woman I wanted to get into bed for fun?"

Gail shakes her head, her mouth opening and closing around words she can't seem to fully muster as her heart pounds rapidly in her chest. "No, I just-"

"From the very moment that you exploded into my life the only thought that's rang around inside my head has been '_I need to be with this amazing woman every moment I can_'," Holly continues, cutting Gail's objection off. "And the most terrifying thing about that thought is that for the first time in a really, really long time, I want to stick around and commit; _you, _Gail_,_ make me want to stick around and commit."

Gail lets out a shaky breath and then bites at her bottom lip to try and get a handle on the overwhelming emotions coursing through her body like a tidal-wave. She's never felt this completely bowed over by somebody before, never had somebody strip themselves so utterly bare and expose their flaws to her like this, and she doesn't know what to do other then stare hopelessly up into Holly's soft and gentle eyes.

Holly smiles longingly at her and shrugs back just as hopelessly. "We haven't talked about what we are yet, what it all means, and that's partly because I was too scared to ask, and partly because I'm scared of what I'm feeling and what you might or might not be feeling in return. But the truth is, I want you Gail, and I want everything that being with you entails. You make me feel alive again, you make me laugh, and you challenge me in the best ways possible, but mostly you make me so damn, unbelievably _happy_," she confesses earnestly.

Gail sniffles slightly and reaches up to swipe at her eyes as her heart swells immeasurably in her chest, watching as Holly pushes herself down from the hood of her car and onto her feet. She keeps her eyes glued to Gail's but stays where she is, not daring to move in any closer just yet.

"I know that this is new territory for the both of us, so I get that this is you being a cat about what you heard, and I know this could be the emergency situation that you need to get out before we get in this any deeper and the possibility that you could get hurt increases," Holly continues softly, addressing the issues still lingering between them. "But I'm begging you to give me a chance. I know that you probably need some time to think about it, but just know that I want to be with _you_, Gail, and _only_ you."

She takes a tentative step towards Gail then, close enough now that Gail can feel the heat radiating from her body and smell the lingering traces of Holly's sweet perfume, and it makes her body quiver with anticipation as her eyes remain frantically holding Holly's own.

"If you think that you can handle me and all of my baggage, we'll figure out a way to make this work," Holly proceeds, her eyes growing progressively more yearning. "And if you don't think you can do this... well, I guess it's better that I let you walk away from me now before I fall any harder for you than I already have."

Holly's voice drops to a low murmur at her confession and it makes Gail shuffle instinctively in towards her, her heart exploding in her chest and making the desire to reach out and touch Holly almost unbearable.

"I've had my heart broken once before and it managed to heal eventually, but I already know, deep in my very core, that that won't be the case this time around because _you_, Gail Peck, have the power to wreck me irreversibly," Holly breathes, her voice catching over the words as her eyes flood with fresh tears.

"_Holly_..." Gail whimpers brokenly in response, hot tears spilling from the corners of her own eyes and making her heart clench agonizingly in her chest.

Her desperate plea propels Holly forward, her hands instantly reaching to curl around Gail's own as she closes the remaining distance between them and steps into Gail's body. Gail feels her eyes flutter closed at the much needed contact, and releases a deep, shaky breath. Holly's nose nuzzles lovingly against her cheek, and the tenderness of the caress makes Gail curl her fingers even tighter around Holly's own and cling desperately, not wanting to let her go for a single second.

Gail feels the warmth of Holly's breath tickling against the shell of her ear as she speaks again. "Promise me that you'll think about it carefully and be sure about what you really want," Holly whispers pleadingly. "Because I'm in this for the long run, Gail, and if you're not, then I can't..."

Holly's voice cracks and trails off then, unable to finish her sentence, and Gail feels her heart hammering unrelentingly in her chest as Holly pulls back just enough to press her soft, gentle lips to her forehead, lingering for an achingly long moment before pulling back and searching out Gail's eyes.

"I hope I'll see you soon," Holly murmurs thickly, and Gail finds herself unable to get her mouth to work, her mind unable to catch up fast enough for her to form the words she so desperately needs to speak as she watches Holly slowly step back from her, holding onto Gail's fingers for as long as she possibly can before giving them a final, imploring squeeze, and then letting go as she forces herself to pull away and head towards her car.

* * *

Gail doesn't know how long she stands in the empty parking-lot once she's watched Holly drive away, but if feels like she's frozen in place as her mind works on overtime to catch-up, trying urgently to process everything that's just happened.

She feels wasted and wired all at once, her body tired and aching and yet running on the thrum of adrenaline pumping through her veins. It makes her clench her eyes closed and breathe in and out, slow and deep, for several long moments, trying to calm her pounding heart and overloaded mind. Considering she was only a casual bystander at Fight-Night and didn't have a single punch thrown her way, it feels ironically a lot like she's battled through several, gruelling rounds.

The ache in her chest from earlier is still there, only now it aches for a different reason altogether; not because she isn't sure that Holly wants to be with her, but because now she knows, without a doubt that she does, and now it's left for her to decide what she really wants. A part of her had naively thought that being with Holly would be easy. Being friends with Holly had been effortless after all, and so she didn't expect for it to be this hard as they navigated through this new development to their relationship.

Being with both Chris and Nick had had its fair share of challenges, but never has Gail felt like the stakes were as high as things are with Holly right now. Holly had exposed her own weaknesses for Gail to see and left her with a difficult truth; that this thing between them was either for keeps or not at all.

It's a decision that Gail wasn't expecting to have to make so soon, but as she thinks about the longing in Holly's beautiful eyes and the way her heart had felt like it was going to explode out of her chest as Holly told her how she was feeling, Gail knows that whatever she decides has to be the absolute right thing.

This isn't a decision to be made lightly or on a whim; there's no going back once she makes up her mind to either fold or fight.

One of the problems, Gail knows, is that in the weeks since the Ford shooting and her mini, drunken breakdown in Holly's bathroom, they've been living in a bubble. Everything has been safe and easy and just about them getting lost in each other, and now reality has come along and popped their illusion without warning, leaving them both unprepared and floundering.

The other problem is that now that she's had a taste of what they can be like together, Gail's not sure if she could ever go back to being just friends with Holly. It feels like she's seen too much; her black and white world suddenly awash with beautiful colour. Going back to anything less is something Gail doesn't think she can handle. Holly has seen her for who she truly is and encouraged her to embrace the parts of herself that she and others have always regarded with disdain. For the first time in her life, Gail feels like she's being seen as an equal rather than somebody who's broken. To lose that and go back to being seen as the hard-shelled, privileged rookie without much of a heart would cripple her.

She knows then, deep in the core of her heart, that she needs to be with Holly just as much as Holly has claimed to need to be with her.

Now, in the wake of this new and daunting reality that they've been suddenly exposed to, Gail knows that there really isn't a decision to make at all. Her heart had already decided for her the moment Holly had strolled past her into that first crime scene, bypassing her usual defences with ease, and disarming the rest of Gail's protective bite with a simple flash of her endearingly kind and bemused, lopsided smile, and her endlessly warm eyes.

Nothing worth having is ever easy, and even though they've gotten off to a bumpy and slightly difficult start, Gail knows that it just means that what they have blossoming between them will be worth even more in the long run.

* * *

Holly's house is dark and quiet as Gail uses her key to let herself in, and it almost makes her think that perhaps she should have waited until the morning to come over and do this. Realistically though, she knows that she wouldn't have been able to wait, there's no way she would have been able to sleep while her heart ached this much, desperately missing and craving Holly despite only just having seen her.

Gail shrugs out of her leather jacket and drapes it over Holly's breakfast bar before toeing off her combat-boots, hoping to make herself as quiet as possible as she heads up the stairs, not wanting to wake Holly if she's already gone to bed and fallen asleep.

She knows that isn't the case though as she hovers momentarily on the landing outside of Holly's bedroom, her ears suddenly filling with the familiar bars of a song that had played only a few weeks prior, escaping out from behind the closed door of Holly's bathroom.

Gail takes a deep, steadying breath and closes her hand around the door-handle, turning it gently and slowly opening the door until she can poke her head around and see inside. The first thought that fills her head as her eyes find Holly sitting on the floor – knees drawn up to her chest and nursing a bottle of bourbon between her hands – is how relieved she feels that Holly hasn't completely mimicked her actions; her beautiful, long hair still falling down around her shoulders and framing her unbearably sad face.

It makes Gail's heart clench painfully in her chest, hating that she's behind the reason that Holly looks so unusually small and broken. She opens the door wider then to let herself further into the room and reaches out to turn down the volume of Holly's sound-system.

The sound of silence replacing the hypnotic beats of the music is what finally draws Holly's gaze up from her lap, her eyes widening a little as her face washes over in surprise at seeing Gail standing there.

"Hi," Holly mumbles, her voice a little hoarse.

It could be a result from the drinking, but Gail knows that the puffiness surrounding Holly's eyes is a pretty clear sign that she's been crying, and knowing that only makes her more urgent to put things right between them.

"Hey," Gail says gently, offering Holly a soft smile as she moves even further into the bathroom and seats herself on the edge of the bathtub, mirroring their positions from the night of the Ford shootings.

Holly stares up at her quietly, trailing her eyes around Gail's face as if she's still processing her sudden and unexpected appearance. "You're here," Holly murmurs in disbelief after a long, drawn out moment as her face finally washes over with realisation.

"I'm here," Gail confirms, knowing that Holly needs to hear it to truly believe it.

She watches patiently then as Holly averts her gaze and lets out a trembling breath as she places the bottle of bourbon down on the floor. Holly's eyes nervously return to hers a few seconds later and she shakes her head helplessly as she breathes out an apprehensive, "_Gail_..."

Gail can hear the desperate plea in Holly's voice, begging her not to do this now if she's only come to deliver the final, ending blow to their relationship. She sees the fear in Holly's eyes and it makes her stomach knot unpleasantly, hating that this is how tense and uncertain they've let things become between them in such a short space of time.

It nudges her into action immediately, and Gail shushes Holly softly, hoping to soothe away her concern. "It's my turn to talk now and your turn to listen, okay?" she says gently as she holds Holly's gaze, trying to use her eyes to ease Holly's worry.

"Okay..." Holly breathes quietly, peering up at Gail openly and with so much trust that it makes Gail's breath catch.

"Life's messy..." Gail starts shakily, determined to be as honest with Holly as she had been with her. "...it can be a real bitch sometimes, you know. I've done some things in the past that I'm not particularly proud of. I've made more than my fair share of mistakes and I have a bunch of regrets, but I don't want to let my stupid insecurities hold me back any longer. I'm not a perfect person either," she admits frankly, shrugging a little as she gives Holly a small, reassuring smile. "I know that I walk away when things get tough rather than staying and dealing with it, but I don't want to do that with you. I don't want to have any regrets when it comes to you or us, Holly."

Holly shakes her head and manages a watery smile back as her eyes brim with tears. "Me either."

"You make me happier than I've ever been in my entire life," Gail continues, her heart fluttering in her chest as she smiles affectionately at Holly. "For some crazy reason you seem to like me just as I am; you like my sarcasm and my snark and my prickly edges, and you think it's adorable that I sleep with my socks on no matter how hot or cold it is. You let me steal your favourite, baggy sweater because you know that I like feeling like I'm wrapped up in your arms even when you're not around."

"Letting you steal that was mostly selfish, you look ridiculously cute and sexy in it," Holly confesses quietly, smiling softly back at her as her eyes flicker with a spark of happiness.

Gail smiles brightly back at Holly's response and lets her eyes trace fondly around Holly's face, always completely overwhelmed by how beautiful she is. "You make me feel good about myself, Holly," she murmurs softly, watching as Holly's face continues to light up in relief. "You somehow manage to make me feel beautiful and whole, like I'm not just this broken person waiting to be fixed. I feel safe and content when I'm with you, and that means more to me than you'll ever know."

"I've never thought that you were broken," Holly says earnestly, as if she needs to reassure Gail of that.

Gail feels her heart swell in her chest in response to the unwavering sincerity of Holly's admission, still not entirely used to somebody accepting her so fully and liking her for exactly who she is.

"I know," Gail replies gratefully, making Holly smile warmly back at her.

She pushes herself off the edge of the bathtub then and lowers herself down onto the floor, resting on her knees just in front of Holly, their sudden proximity making Holly exhale sharply as their eyes lock together intensely.

"You said earlier that I have the power to wreck you irreversibly..." Gail murmurs thickly as she reaches out to cup Holly's face, her thumbs soothing over the soft, smooth arch of Holly's cheeks. "...well you've already ruined me for anybody else, Holly." She feels Holly quivering beneath her touch then and presses herself even closer against Holly's bent legs. "Nobody else is ever going to come remotely close to making me feel the way that you do. I _have_ to be with you," Gail breathes shakily, her heart racing in her chest. "There's no other option for me. You're _it_, Holly. Personal baggage and all."

Holly's eyes glimmer with fresh tears at her admission, her bottom lip trembling as she peers at Gail longingly. "Are you sure?" she manages to whisper, her hands reaching up to grasp desperately at Gail's wrists, holding her in place.

"I've never been more certain about anything in my life," Gail replies without missing a beat, feeling a happy warmth flood through her body as Holly breaks out into a beautiful smile at her answer. "Besides, Stewart, you're not the only one dragging baggage around, I've got a couple of heavy loads worth myself. So, why don't we try just embracing what we have, right here, right now? We can be perfectly imperfect together."

Holly nods her head eagerly in agreement, her beautiful eyes lighting up so brightly and so full of affection that Gail feels her heart melting at the sight of Holly's utter relief. "That sounds like more than I could've ever hoped for and all that I've ever wanted all at once," Holly breathes happily as she breaks out into an uncontainable smile.

Gail feels herself smiling back uncontrollably as the uncomfortable, consuming weight lifts from over them, and she can't help herself then as she presses forward to search out Holly's mouth, kissing her soft and slow and endlessly deep; each delicate brush of their lips binding them even closer together and uniting them in their promise to embrace each other and life exactly as it is.


End file.
